Beautiful Golden
by Lady Feylene
Summary: Peter Pettigrew is torn by his own insecurities and his feelings for Remus Lupin...(Slash. Fluff)


  
  
  
  


Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine, they are JK Rowlings.

  
  


Warning: Mild slash.

  
  


Spoilers: Um...PoA, maybe?

  
  


Rating: PG

  
  


Pairing: Remus/Peter

  
  


Dedication: For Tara and Tara only. I wrote this purely for her.

  
  


Summary: Peter is torn by his own insecurities and his feelings for Remus.

  
  
  
  


Beautiful Golden

  
  
  
  
  
  


It's hard, to be the small one. To be the quiet one, the sad one, the one that they laugh at. It's hard, and it hurts, and it's awful because you don't have anything else. You try and you try and you try to be different, and you just can't.

  
  


And you look around, and you see all these things that you want, and you can't have them. People like you can never have them. But sometimes...

  
  


No. I'm stupid to think like that. I can see him now, across the common room. He's beautiful. I know that's not a word I should use for another boy, but it's the only word I can think of. He's just...beautiful. Like gold and velvet and autumn leaves...

  
  


And someone like him would never want someone like me. He's gold and velvet and I'm.....well, I'm wood and cheap chenille. And they don't go together. He'd rather be on the arm of someone like Sirius. Sirius is the same as him. He's diamonds and fire, all flashy and tough.

  
  


And I've seen them together. In corners and things like that, talking when they think James and I aren't around. I'm not that stupid. I'm really not. And it's okay, because I know how life works. I've always known. Pretty people go around with other pretty people. And I'm not pretty people.

  
  


"Peter?"

  
  


He startles me. He's looking at me. I've been staring. I turn red, and I look away. Stupid! What if he knows? What if he finds out? That would be awful. He'd tell Sirius, and Sirius would tease me, or maybe he'd be angry.

  
  


"Yeah?" I know I have to say something. My voice sounds awful.

  
  


"Are you all right? You look a bit dazed..."

  
  


"Oh, just you know." I give a little shrug. "Tests. And things."

  
  


"Would you like some help studying?"

  
  


I'm not really studying though. Sure, I have a book open and stuff, but I'm not thinking about it at all. I'm thinking about him. I'm thinking about his eyes, and his hands, and his lips, and all those other parts of him I'll never be allowed to know in a personal manner. I can just sort of worship from afar.

  
  


"Oh, no. I'm...uh...I'm done."

  
  


"Would you like to play a game of chess, then?" His voice is really hopefull. I want to but...

  
  


What if I screw up? What if I say or do something, or look at him wrong, and he guesses? What if he laughs at me...what if he sics Sirius on me?

  
  


"No, thanks." I can't look at him. I look at the floor, instead. My cheeks are burning red, and my hands are twisting my robes in my lap. 

  
  


"Peter..." He says my name like there's a lot more to the sentence. I still can't look at him. I'm too afraid it's in my eyes.

  
  


"Yeah?"

  
  


"Are you....angry with me?"

  
  


"What?" I look at him now, and my eyes are wide. How can he say that? I could never be angry with him!

  
  


"It's only...you've been avoiding me. And you won't look at me, unless you think I'm not looking. If I've done something to upset you Peter, I'm deeply sorry...I never meant to..."

  
  


"No!" I can't believe he thinks that. I don't know what to say, to make him not.

  
  


"Then...what's wrong?" He puts his books away-so carefully. Everything he does is so careful, so perfect. He's so graceful. I wish I could move like that, be like that...

  
  


"It's nothing." I lick my lips, my breath stolen away by him. He doesn't even have to do anything, he just is.

  
  


"No." He shakes his head, and he's right in front of me now, and he looks so concerned but he's studying me really hard. I have to look down. He's going to see it... "There's something. I can tell. I..." He gives a little laugh. "I can always tell with you."

  
  


I just sort of shrug. Why does he have to be so beautiful? Why does everything he does have to go right through me?

  
  


"Peter." He puts his fingers under my chin and I swear my heart stops beating then and there. I can die happy now. He has his fingers pressed really gently under my chin, and he's making me meet his eyes, and his eyes are more beautiful then I've ever seen them. So dark and amber and smart.

  
  


"It's nothing, Moony." I close my eyes against his. I can't look into them. I'll tell him everything. How much I love him, how much I want him, how he shines in my vision like some rising star...

  
  


"Peter..." He's talking like he's choosing is words very carefully. "I...it seems to me that you and I are rather close. Closer to each other then to James or Sirius." That was the one thing about Remus. He always uses our real names.

  
  


"Yeah..." Of course I'm closer to you then to Padfoot and Prongs! I *love* you!

  
  


"And...I can tell when something's bothering you. And something is really bothering you, and I have the horrible suspicion that it's me."

  
  


"Are you sleeping with Sirius?"

  
  


That's *not* what i meant to say! I want to take the words back, because Remus looks like I've just shot him. Those pretty eyes get very wide and big, and his eyebrows kind of shoot up.

  
  


"Am I...?" He's at a loss for words. Which is really weird. He's never at a loss for words. "Of course not. What makes you think that?" Now he sounds almost upset.

  
  


"I just...you two are always going off together. And stuff." I shrug, and I look down again. This is awful.

  
  


"Well, we aren't sleeping together." Remus saus, and his voice is kind of frosty. I want to cry. Or maybe be sick. Or both.

  
  


"Sorry." 

  
  


"Well, now you know."

  
  


And then it gets quiet, and awkward. And Remus still as his fingers against my chin. And I'm an idiot who can't stop the words coming out of my mouth. "Do you wnt to be?"

  
  


"Sleeping with Sirius? No." He shakes his head, and he doesn't sound angry or anything, just a little bit sad. "Do you?" That's meant to be a joke, I think, but I don't think it's funny.

  
  


"No..." I don't mean for my voice to sound so small and strained. I look up at him, and I know I'm looking at him from under my eyelashes. And hes kind of tilting his head at me, and really studying me.

  
  


"Is that what's been bothering you? Thinking I was with Sirius?"

  
  


I just nod, and I think I can feel tears out of the corner of my eyes. He wipes them away, and he's still looking at me.

  
  


"Peter...what would you do, if I kissed you right now?"

  
  


I don't even know how to answer that. I don't even think I heard him right. I'm going mad, because I want him so badly, and my mind is trying to ease some of the awful hurt in my heart by hallucinating. I just sort of nod, and it's the stupidest thing to do, but it isn't like he really asked me that.

  
  


"You'd nod?" He laughs really softly, and his thumb runs over my lips. I kiss it. How stupid can I be? He pulls him thumb away, but really slowly. And then he leans in, and I know I must be mad because I swear I can feel his lips against mine, and they're soft and smooth and perfect, like everything else about him...

  
  


"I love you..." I whisper, and my voice is really ragged now.

  
  


"Do you really?" He asks, and now his voice sounds small and scared. I nod. He smiles, and his eyes are really shiny too. "Oh Peter...how silly we both are!"

  
  


"What?" I'm still find of in a confused daze.

  
  


"I...I've fancied you for a year or so now. I just...I always thought you fancied Sirius."

  
  


"I...I thought..."

  
  


"I know." He nods, and he lets out a little laugh. "And you...you fancied me all the while..."

  
  


Now that I'm sort of catching up to things, it is kind of funny. I laugh a little, but I'm more just amazed that Remus would...he kissed me.

  
  


"Kiss me again?" 

  
  


He does. And this time I'm expecting it, and I can appreciate it. We kiss for a little while, and I'm glad that the common room is empty or this would never be happening. Then he pulls away.

  
  


"The reason I've been with Sirius so much is because he knows how I feel about you. He's...well, he has such a reputation I figured he could give me some advice."

  
  


"Did he?"

  
  


"No." Remus shakes his head. "Not anything good, anyway."

  
  


"Oh." There's another awkward silence.

  
  


"Would you like to...well, I suppose the best way to put it is would you like to go out with me?"

  
  


"Yes?" I don't mean it to be a question, but this can't be happening. Beautiful, perfect Remus can't want me...

  
  


But he does. He really does. And it's the best feeling in the world, when he kisses me again and he smiles against my lips and I can tell him I love him and he just holds me...it's better then anything my poor, feeble mind could ever come up with.

  
  


"I really do love you..." I tell him, and he nods and chuckles. And it feels so good to say it, it feels god inside. And he smiles into my eyes, and he's never looked more perfect to me then right now.

  
  


"Good." He says, kissing me again. "Because I really love you to."

  
  


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End file.
